Limericks

Jun 30, 2018
Originally published on June 30, 2018 10:38 am
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call to leave a message at 1-888-WAITWAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the contact us link at our website. It's waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our big outdoor show at Millennium Park in downtown Chicago right on the waterfront on August 9. It's free to the public. And if a crowd of people in Chicago doesn't sound like fun, well, then come see us up in Milwaukee on August 30 at the Riverside Theater.

Hi. You're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

MARK GILLESPIE: Hi, Peter. It's, Mark Gillespie in Haddonfield, N.J.

SAGAL: Haddonfield, N.J. - well, I'm from New Jersey. What do you do there?

GILLESPIE: I do a podcast on whiskeys...

SAGAL: Do you really?

GILLESPIE: ...And write about it for a whiskey website.

SAGAL: Wow. And you can make a living drinking whiskey?

GILLESPIE: Yes - not a great living, but you can make a living.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Right. Well, Mark, welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks, you will be a big winner. You ready to play?

GILLESPIE: Let's do it.

SAGAL: Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Do I have some weird, unseen stench shell? My handheld device here can tell. My armpits I swipe to see if I'm ripe. It has quite a keen sense of...

GILLESPIE: Smell.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A company in Japan has created a new handheld device to help office workers detect if they themselves have body odor because you can never smell yourself. It's like a nose but without the gag reflex. It's called the Tanita ES-100. The ES stands for Extra Sense, and the 100 stands for the percentage of time it hates its job.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, it's a useful device to make sure everybody stays happy in the workplace unless of course you receive it from your office secret Santa. And then somebody yells, it's me; I'm your secret Santa. It's Cindy in the next cubicle over. For God's sake, use it.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Mark, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: When hot dog buns have gotten sandy, spun sugar is there, hot and handy. And here is a matchup - add sprinkles, not ketchup. Serve hot dogs in pink...

GILLESPIE: Cotton candy.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Or rather, perhaps, no.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Erie, Penn., SeaWolves minor league ballpark rolled out a new game time treat for their annual Sugar Rush night. It's a regular hot dog with a bun made of cotton candy and sprinkled with Nerds candy.

UNIDENTIFIED CROWD: Oh.

SAGAL: It's the perfect meal if you've always wanted to throw your kid into a food coma they can somehow scream through.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: It's kind of the salt-sugar thing, which I do like.

NEGIN FARSAD: Yeah, like a Hawaiian pizza. Pineapple and ham goes well together.

SAGAL: Well, yeah. OK. Pineapple is sweet. It's fruit juice sweet.

TOM PAPA: And a real thing.

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: So is cotton candy.

SAGAL: But cotton candy is just sugar.

PAPA: May I just say that dish that you just described to us...

SAGAL: Yes.

PAPA: In these troubled times, when we're...

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: When we're feeling bad about the Supreme Court and where we're going and the lack of civility, you tell me America isn't the greatest country on Earth...

(LAUGHTER)

PAPA: ...To still come up with stuff like that.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. It's - to be able to...

PAPA: This is going to be the best Fourth of July ever.

POUNDSTONE: Really?

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: Where "Mandy" plays, I rarely plan to go. Now Rite Aid's the most scary clan I know. I say hasta manana to "Copacabana." This panhandler hates...

GILLESPIE: Can I hear that again, please?

SAGAL: Oh, you're going to need to. This may be either one of the greatest or worst limericks of that Philipp Goedicke has ever written.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: Where "Mandy" plays, I rarely plan to go. Now Rite Aid's the most scary clan I know. I say hasta manana to "Copacabana." This panhandler hates...

GILLESPIE: Barry Manilow.

SAGAL: Yes. He gets it.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL, APPLAUSE)

FARSAD: Wow.

KURTIS: How about that?

SAGAL: Rite Aid stores in California have a new way to clear out panhandlers from the front of their stores. They blast Barry Manilow music at full volume all day long. The only problem is these stories have neighbors, and they're going insane. One neighbor told The Wall Street Journal, quote, "I thought some older man had died and left Barry Manilow's most depressing hits CD on repeat." So they had all these complaints. And Rite Aid management said, well, what would you rather have, Barry Manilow or panhandlers? In any event, it's better than their first plan, playing Barry White to get the panhandlers in the mood.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Mark do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Mark did great, 3 and 0 - right down the middle.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Mark.

(APPLAUSE)

GILLESPIE: Thank you.

SAGAL: Well done.

GILLESPIE: Thank you.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "COPACABANA")

BARRY MANILOW: (Singing) Her name was Lola. She was a showgirl with yellow feathers in her hair and a dress cut down her leg. She would merengue and do the cha-cha. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.