Opening Panel Round

Aug 3, 2012
Originally published on August 4, 2012 11:36 am
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Charlie, it's August. That means shark attacks. Yay. This week, we learned about a new type of shark, scientists warn is unlike any they've seen before. What is different about this shark?

CHARLIE PIERCE: It wears a dinner jacket.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It has a little fork in one fin and a little knife in the other.

PIERCE: Wonderful manners.

SAGAL: All right, I'll give you a hint. Like everybody out of the water, but totally take your time; it's fine.

PIERCE: It's a very slow shark.

SAGAL: It's a very, very slow shark.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Clocking in at top speeds of 1.7 miles an hour...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The Greenland shark also answers to the title of least scary shark ever. It's hard to be a menacing predator when you're constantly saying "Hey guys, wait up."

(LAUGHTER)

PIERCE: And it's really embarrassing when all the seals start laughing at it.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: And it's always got to get out its inhaler. It's hard...

(LAUGHTER)

PIERCE: It's always the last picked in all of the shark games.

SAGAL: Oh, it's terrible. This is true, the sharks are so slow, they're only able...

PIERCE: How slow are they?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They're so slow, they're only able to feed themselves by eating animals that they find that are asleep.

(LAUGHTER)

PIERCE: Is that true or is that the scientific fact?

SAGAL: It's true. It's true. It's true. It eats sleeping animals. And you always know it's coming because the music you hear is like da, da.

(LAUGHTER)

PIERCE: We're going to need a bigger boat. But the good news is we're not going to need an engine.

SAGAL: Yeah, exactly.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Drift away. Quick, drift away.

PAULA PELL: A very slow shark attack would be the most terrifying and horrifying.

PIERCE: Yes.

PELL: It would just be like ohhh.

ADAM FELBER: Spend 25 minutes screaming in horror.

(LAUGHTER)

PELL: He's just holding me. No, he's not holding me. It's getting tighter. It's getting - the teeth are going in, slowly in.

(LAUGHTER)

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